


Your Love Leaves Me Cold

by Machines_Analog_Interface



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: 4-am-writing, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Brief appearance of main characters, Car Accidents, Domestic Fluff, F/F, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, I blame Damien Rice for this, Idiots in Love, It gives away whole plot, Karamel who?, Lena Luthor-centric, Lena is my baby and I love her, Mentions of Suicide, self-hatred-fueled-redbull-induced-extravaganza, video diary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-14
Updated: 2017-07-21
Packaged: 2018-12-01 21:45:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11495376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Machines_Analog_Interface/pseuds/Machines_Analog_Interface
Summary: "And I die when you mention his name...And I lied, I should have kissed you,When we were running in the rain"To love is nothing. To be loved is something. But to love and be loved, that’s everything.





	1. To love is nothing

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back. It's been a more than a month since my last update and I decided to post this as an announcement that I passed all of my god damned exams and I'm going back to writing. Which means I'll finally get back to finish Be Together. Blame for this Damien Rice. His songs are fuel for my angst train. And I thought it fitted this all too well.  
> I highly recommend to listen to those while reading - [Cheers darlin'](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GzKFEx-wsJo)  
> \- [Under the Tongue](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Rd-tALn0qM)  
> I also might change a lyrics a little. Apparently I'm too gay to use boy while I easily can change it with girl.

 Lena was sitting on her balcony, glass of a good aged scotch cradled in her hand. Music was playing softly in the background while CEO stood there, watching over the city. It was dark, smell of the recently stopped rain consuming her senses. City was long asleep, there was no more car horns, no more children crying, no more....

 _Cheers darlin'_  
_Here's to you and your lover boy_

Echoed in her office and Lena couldn’t help but think of Kara. Again. It wasn’t long since they had an argument. Lena confronted Kara, confessing in her feelings only to be rejected afterwards. Because Kara chose Mon-El over her. Typical Lena Luthor. Falling for those who can’t be hers. If only her mother could see her now... she'd berate her to her death because of it. Because of her state in this moment.

 _Cheers darlin'_  
_I got years to wait around for you_

She tried to think back to all those moments she had spent with Kara. Only person that brightened her dark and cold life. Why was this happening? Why Kara? She could bear loosing everyone but Kara. The irony of it all was that she had lost exactly what she was most protective of. What did Sigmund Freud said about unexpressed emotions? Oh right, unexpressed emotions will never die. They're buried alive and came forth later on in uglier ways. And that was what exactly happened to her. All those ugly emotions just resurfaced and she couldn't hold them back. Honest feelings and bad timing was always painful combination. 

 _Cheers darlin'_  
_I've got your wedding bells in my ear_

What went wrong anyways? One day Kara was ranting about how much her boyfriend was pissing her off. Next day she came to Lena only to tell her that he asked her hand. And she said yes. Lena forgot how to breathe that moment. She was sure she heard her heart shattering into million pieces in her chest, stabbing her from inside. That dull ache followed her everywhere since that moment, seemingly permanent from now on.

 _Cheers darlin'_  
_You give me three cigarettes to smoke my tears away_

Jess had asked if she was okay only to be dismissed by barely audible “I’m fine”. And she _was_ fine. At least physically. It wasn’t like one could die from a broken heart, could they? But then she remembered that one could, die from heartbreak indeed. It was called Stress Cardiomyopathy but who cared? It's not like it mattered anymore anyways. Today Kara was getting married. Or already got married since it was 3 in the morning.

Downing rest of her scotch, she walked back into her office. It was late even for her. Quickly filling her tumbler again she slumped into her chair, taking large gulp from her glass. How long it was since she had last smoked? A year? Maybe four? Still she had a box of cigarettes in her second drawer of her office desk.

 _And I die when you mention his name_  
_And I lied, I should have kissed you_  
_When we were running in the rain_

And it was true. She should have told her sooner. She should have kissed her sooner. She should have told her how much she loved her before this boy appeared and ruined everything for her and Kara. She hated him for it. Just as she hated herself for being such a coward, confessing in her feelings night before Kara’s wedding. It was selfish. She knew she was being selfish but she couldn’t help it. She loved Kara. Honest to god, she loved her with her whole being. She loved her beyond reason, beyond limit.... beyond _acceptable._  She really tried to love logically, but it didn't make any sense.

 _What am I darlin'?_  
_A whisper in your ear?_  
_A piece of your cake?_

And what she was, really? Being all poised and power lady, intimidating CEO and friend in love? At the end of the day she was still there, in her office. Alone. Nothing changed. Not really. She was still same lonely soul that came into Luthor household at her four.

 _What am I, darlin?_  
_The girl you can fear?_  
_Or your biggest mistake?_

Being with Kara was like fresh breath of air. It was like smell of winter in the nights she'd spent in Ireland, always drawing her into deep hole of blissful nostalgia, only to be hauled back and reminded that she can’t have any of it. Not anymore. She was still grateful... even if for a minute, Kara lifted the weight of Luthor name off her shoulders. And even if was for the brief moment, for an instant, a flash of a moment... she was grateful none the less. 

 _Cheers darlin'_  
_Here's to you and your lover man_  
_Cheers darlin'_  
_I just hang around and eat from a can_

What was she thinking? She was fool to think that Kara might return her feelings. She was too good and too pure for her. Or for that boy of hers for that matter. She was the darkness to her light, the doubt to her trust, hatred to her love. She really was fool to believe someone like Kara could ever love someone like her. Love…. Dear god why Lena had to end up in this neurochemical con job? She knew all too well what kind of an emotional minefield she was stepping on when she let Kara in, but rejection was still painful, no matter how much she had prepared herself for it. Impact was overwhelming.

 _Cheers darlin'_  
_I got a ribbon of green on my guitar_  
_Cheers darlin'_  
_I got a beauty queen_  
_To sit not very far from me_

She stood up, throwing back rest of burning liquid and clenched her jaw. Her chest was so tight, she might as well explode at any moment. Her heart ached and hot tears of anger and heartbreak streamed down her cheeks. She threw empty tumbler against the wall, screaming in frustration as glass shattered.

 _I die when he comes around_  
_To take you home_  
_I'm too shy_  
_I should have kissed you when we were alone_

Lena threw everything off her office table, turning it upside down and smashing her lamp against the balcony door. She moved towards her coffee table, kicking off the chess board. She tarnished and destroyed everything except the vase of white Plumerias. She couldn’t bring herself to destroy it. It was last piece of Kara in her office, and in her life really.

 _Oh what am I? What am I darlin'?_  
_I got years to wait..._

She picked up the vase, carrying it with her and setting in the middle of her tarnished office. Everything around was mess. Broken… torn apart… shattered. Only thing that stood untouched was vase of Plumerias. Her office looked lot like her life right now. Lena slumped against the wall, sliding down as she sobbed uncontrollably.

Lena didn’t knew how long she was in this state. It could be minutes or hours, she couldn’t tell. She grabbed the bottle of scotch and keys to her Kara. _No_ , car. Keys to her _car_. Lena didn’t really understand how she ended up from her office into underground parking lot, in her car but she couldn’t care less.

She downed rest of the bottle before starting the engine. She knew she was irresponsible, driving in this state but it was late and she was heading out of the city anyways. The biggest being she could kill at this time of night (or morning?) would be a deer or herself. Who cared anyways?

Her mother never cared, her father was too dead to care, Lex wanted her dead and Kara, well… Kara didn’t wanted her at all. So why would _she_ care? Only person who seemed always beside her was her secretary. Ah dear Jess. Only if she knew how much of a mess Lena was about to hand to her…. Poor girl.

She was only person capable of handle L-Corp besides Lena and why not leave her to it? L-Corp had much more chances without Luthor name tainting it. After all, Jess was only one she could trust her company to... others just didn't cared.

She drove off the underground parking lot quickly, almost racing out of it as she drove out in the dark, silent streets of National City. Soft music started playing in radio as Lena made her way towards the hills. She didn’t knew why she was going there, for what or where she was going to stop.

It wasn’t her lucky day however, police car behind her turned on the sirens and she had to stop her car. She clenched her jaw, already pulling out her driving license. When officer approached her she pushed window down, putting on her best poker face.

“Lena what the hell do you think you’re doing?” at the familiar voice Lena looked up, only to find Maggie looking down at her with big brown eyes, filled with concern.

“What does it look like?” She snapped, dropping her head against the steering wheel. How the fuck Maggie appeared here?

“It looks like you’re chasing after your death.” Maggie said firmly and frowned when she noticed empty bottle on the passenger seat, only then scent of scotch hit her senses. “You’re drunk?!” Her eyes bulged out and her jaw clenched. “You know Kara won’t–”

“She won’t what!? _Hm?!”_ Lena looked up with barely contained anger in her eyes and Maggie flinched, “That doesn’t concern her! Haven't you heard about her husband doesn’t approving our  _friendship?!_ ”

“But Kara doesn’t–” Maggie started but Lena cut her off.

“Just back off Maggie. Tell Alex I don’t need a baby sitter.” She spat and rolled window up only to race away from police car, knowing well she could leave them behind once she’d reach the woods.

 _What are we doing here?_  
_Why have we come?_  
_Did we come for communion?_  
_Under the Tongue_

She dove into the woods, shutting off the lights of her car and killing the engine. Radio still hummed softly however. Lena almost groaned when she listened closely to the song.

 _There’s a lot_  
_There’s a lot_  
_There’s a lot to unfold_  
_In the Dark_  
_In the Dark_  
_There’s a lot we don't show_

As soon as police car sped past her she started the engine again, her phone was going off. When she looked down at the screen and saw Maggie’s name she rolled her eyes. She picked it up, pulling down her window only to throw her phone against the tree and roll her window back up again.

_Your love leaves me cold  
Your love leaves me cold_

She turned away from the main road, knowing well Maggie might come back and dove deep into woods, by the secondary road. She remembered how Kara looked at her when she confessed in her feelings for her. Kryptonian was wordlessly begging her to not say whatever she was about to say. But she did it anyways. 

 _What are we doing here?_  
_Have you lost your way?_  
_Have you come to move close dear?_  
_Is something the same?_

She knew this song so well… all too well. Her trembling lips mouthing them on their own accord as hot stream of fresh tears kept pouring down form her eyes.

 _There’s a lot_  
_There’s a lot_  
_There’s a lot that’s untold_  
_This is not_  
_This is not_  
_This is not yours to hold_

Her eyes closed as she hit the gas pedal, speeding through the dark woods, only light around her produced by ominous full moon and her car. She opened her eyes only to see a man standing in the middle of the road and Lena was about to smash him with her car. She could swear she saw Kara's boss. _J'onn?_ But half of his face was... oh no....

 _Cause your love leaves me cold_  
_Cause your love leaves me cold_  
_Cause your love leaves me cold_  
_Cause your love leaves me cold_

Lena didn’t thought twice as she abruptly spun the steering wheel to the left, her car sprinting upwards the road fence only to fall over and roll down the woods, smashing into trees on its way. Impact was hard and she wasn’t secured with safety belts so was ejected out of the car, while the car itself rolled over one more time and dropping down on her, trapping her from waist below under its weight.

 _What am I doing here?_  
_Is it something I've done?_  
_If it's time for confession,_  
_Then bring out the nun._

Lena was lying there, her eyes barely open her body overwhelmed by pain. She felt like she was dreaming, everything around her was spinning and she couldn’t move. It reminded her of many nights she had spent in her room powerless as sleep paralysis consumed her, vibrating though her body, not letting her move a muscle. Except she wasn't feeling the usual panic and cold fear as she felt them through that nights when the paralysis was taking over.

 _There's a lot_  
_There's a lot_  
_There's a lot I don't know_  
_I forgot_  
_I forgot_  
_I forgot to let go, of your love_

Lena still could hear the song, she was well aware that her car was crushed but she couldn’t tell if radio receiver survived or she was just hallucinating. Whatever it was, momentarily she saw Kara’s blue eyes, flashing behind her own.

 _So leave me cold_  
_Your love leaves me cold_  
_Your love leaves me cold_  
_Your love leaves me_

She was lying motionless, watching as Kara wandered into her office with Clark Kent, blushing and stuttering on her way. Her baby blues staring into her cold grayish green ones earnestly. Lena smiled at her, knowing she was doomed since the moment Kara looked at her like that. And well, she was right.

 _Your love leaves me cold_  
_Your love leaves me cold_

There was fluttering of the cape and then something landed on the ground with crashing force, running towards her.

“Lena!” She heard distant scream that kept echoing in the depths of her mind over and over.

She couldn’t move however, staring upwards to the dark trees and sky full of the stars behind them. Oh, Kara was right. Sky was lot more beautiful from the mountains. Kara… her beautiful, pure Kara… who was now hovering over, her eyes filled with tears, desperately calling out her name.

Was she hallucinating now? Or was Kara really here in her red and blue suit, coming to save her life yet again? Why she was here? She had to be with her husband now…. Or maybe it was just her pathetic brain trying to come up with something to help her pass away with peace…. 

“Lena!? Lena, answer me please!” Her voice was cracked, choking back sobs as she moved away, lifting her crashed car off her slowly.

Lena screamed as fresh wave of pain washed over her, her body covered in her blood and cold sheen of sweat. She felt cold now, really cold. But it wasn’t like cold that disturbed her, but the cold that numbed her pain. Stroked her aching heart as her breathing became shallower and her heartbeat weaker.

She could hear Kara begging for forgiveness from the distance, trying to get rid of her car that had trapped her on the ground. Maggie’s voice joined Kara’s, soon colliding with Alex’s and few other voices she couldn’t recognize.

“Be careful Supergirl! If something beneath it impaled her she’ll die of a blood loss!” Alex’s voice echoed in distance.

She felt cold. It was so calm, so serene. Shouts and orders that were filling the air before, faded into the background as car was lifted off her, Kara immediately appearing into her sight.

“Lee?! Lena?! Lena, stay with me!” She pleaded her, sobbing her eyes bloodshot as she cradled Lena’s face in her soft hands. “You know I broke off the wedding last night? I broke it off because of you Lena! You can’t leave me like that now!” Lena was staring into sky that was Kara’s stormy eyes now. “I love you… _please_ … you have to hold on Lena.” She begged, Lena would smile if she could but only thing she could was cry, warm tears slipping down her cold temples and into Kara’s hands. “Lena please!” She cried and Lena breathed out,

Kara’s blue eyes craved into her mind as the last thing she saw before consuming darkness clouded her mind. Last words stumbled past her lips before she dove into bone schilling cold…. 

 _Your love leaves me cold_  
_“Your love leaves me cold”_


	2. To be loved is something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara's point of view

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You asked for sequel and here it is. Unedited. Written from 1 am to 10 am. Waiting for your judgement.  
> Update: I edited second chapter because apparently my sleepy mind made lot more mistakes that I thought and missed few very important things.

 Kara was standing at altar about to get married on a person who loved her. But did he really? Fight with Lena last night broke her just as it opened her eyes on lot of things.

Firstly the way Mon-El treated her. Never listening to her, always trying to boss her around, doing the opposite of what Kara asked. Did he love her? Or did _she_ love him for that matter? He was sexist, arrogant, selfish, self-satisfied pig that never cared about anything except himself and his ego, he didn’t deserve her. Women for him were nothing but object to please men and deep down Kara knew he didn't changed. Lena’s words, not hers. Even though he proclaimed that he wanted to be hero and save lives just like Kara did, Kryptonian knew batter that that. It was another move of wooing her, nothing more. 

At first everything seemed to fit. She was alien, he was alien. Both had lost their worlds and tried to build new life on earth. She thought that it would be enough, she even forgave him about hiding who he really was. Slave owner prince. Even with that, people around him were acting like he was innocent, while Lena who did nothing but save this goddamned city few times but everyone still looked at her with distrust, looking for some kind of ulterior motive youngest Luthor might have.

When Lena lashed out on her about his actions Kara was angry. Beyond angry if she was honest. She waved her off, saying that Lena was saying all of this because she was jealous of him. Lena only laughed at that, disbelief and something dangerously close to disappointment coloring her eyes. But oh boy... Lena was right. And Lena loved her. Her best friend loved her for Rao knows how long and judging by her look, it was terrifying for Lena to tell her about her feelings. Instead of accepting her she rejected her and fight started.

She had no idea how did she pushed Lena over the edge so fast that ever so poised CEO was all but screaming at her. And she was screaming back. God…. It felt awful.

After the fight she called her sister. Alex rushed to Kara along with her girlfriend, Maggie. They talked and Kara told them everything. How Lena kissed her, how she confessed in her feelings and how all of this instantly turned into seemingly endless screaming fest. Neither of them said anything as they held Kara while blonde cried herself to sleep.

She couldn’t think of anything but Lena, knowing she had no one except her and now she had left her too. Kara asked Alex to call her. Both Maggie and Alex were blowing Lena’s phone up but brunette remained ignorant. Of course that meant that Lena wouldn't attend her wedding.

Priest asked something, pulling Kryptonian out of her inner turmoil and Kara turned her head towards him, confusion written over her face.

“Uh, I’m sorry what?” She asked and Priest eyed her knowingly. He let out small sigh, the man knew where all of this was leading to. 

“Do you take Make Matthews as your lawfully wedded husband?” He asked and Kara clenched her jaw, suddenly Lena's smile flashing before her eyes.

* * *

 

_They were sitting on her couch and watching Netflix as Kara was practically inhaling food while Lena watched her with something between disgust and amusement._

_“I'll pay you $100 if you eat your pot stickers one by one, you look like a hamster Kara.” CEO stated and Kara snorted before throwing pillow at Lena, who ducked her head and laughed full heatedly._

_“Shut up! You’re just jealous I’m not getting fat.” Kara declared and Lena rolled her eyes with a smile._

_“When was the last time you ate a vegetable” Lena asked and Kara leaned back against the sofa._

_“I ate pizza.” Kara said and grinned victoriously while Lena scoffed. “What? Government says it’s vegetable!” Kara protested with the Kara Danvers’ pout™. CEO only cocked left eyebrow at that._

_“Pizza isn’t a vegetable, Kara. I don’t care what the government says.” Lena argued, trying to not look at Kara where she kept pouting adorably._

_“Whatever. What are you gonna do anyways? Call president Marsdin and tell her Supergirl eats junk food?” Blonde asked and CEO smirked at that_

_“If that means that you’ll start eating vegetables than yes. I do have a president on a speed dial.”_

_“Now you’re just being extra Lee” Kara said and laughed when Lena threw pillow back at her and huffed in annoyance when blonde caught in the air grinning like a Cheshire cat._

* * *

 

 Kara remained silent, looking over the guests, trying to find familiar green eyes. She turned her head and met Mon-El’s questioning stare.

“Kara…” He said warningly but blonde didn’t pay him attention.

“I can’t…” Kara mumbled and Mon-El instantly grabbed her hand.

“Kara what are you doing?” He whisper-shouted at her and blonde raised her voice. This was last drop for Kara. She looked at him as if looking at him for the first time, finally able to see who she was about to get married onto. What was she even thinking?

“I can’t, I’m sorry.” She said loudly before yanking back her hand and running out of the church, Alex and Maggie immediately shooting up to follow her.

That’s how she ended up in her apartment at 3 in the morning with her sister, eating ice cream. Her wedding dress long forgotten, dumped near the couch. Maggie was with them too but soon she was called in and left, telling she’d be back as soon as possible. Kara pretended that she didn’t overheard how Alex asked her to check into L-Corp and see Lena. When her sister walked back and flopped down on the couch she eyed her cautiously

“Did you broke off the wedding because of Lena?” asked Alex eventually

Quiet “Yes” was whispered after a while and Alex scooted over to her sister.

“Do you love her?” Alex asked again only to receive same response form her sister. “Are you going to talk to her?” She asked then and Kara sighed tiredly.

“And what do I tell her? Hey Lee, I’m sorry I yelled at you yesterday, turned out you were right and I love you too, let’s just forget that I acted like total ass and be my girlfriend! I’m sure she’ll be ecstatic.” Kara’s voice was dripping with sarcasm and Alex shook her head.

“Just talk to her, tell her how you feel. She's your best friend Kar.... She’ll listen…” Alex said and Kara nodded,

“I’ll see her tomorrow… she probably sleeps right now…” Kara said and stood up from couch, ready to head to her bed. Alex phone went off and Kara used the opportunity to slip into bathroom. She was stepping into shower when she heard Alex hurried footsteps, approaching her room.

“Maggie just called, Lena is drunk and driving like crazy. She followed her into hills and lost her trac–”

Alex couldn’t even finish the sentence when Kara was already changed into her suit and leaped out of her window, flying towards the hills.

Kara’s heart was beating out of her chest, she tried to focus on Lena’s heartbeat when she heard crashing sound  from the woods. She followed the source of noise only to find Lena’s car thrown off the road and her owner trapped underneath it.

She screamed her name when she saw her, lying motionless on the ground, her body covered in her own blood. Kara was down on the ground in instantly, running over to Lena’s car while shouting to her.

“Lena!? Lena, answer me please...” Kara pleaded while she gripped the rear of her car, trying to lift it off her as carefully as possible. No response came. Only sound that Left CEO's lips were short, ragged breaths.

First one to arrive on scene was Maggie with one officer that was with her on while that chased after young CEO. Black SUVs of DEO pulled up on the road where Lena’s car got knocked off. Lena let out gut wrenching scream when she moved the car and Kara froze momentarily, her breathing cutting short as she listened to Lena’s weak heartbeat. She looked around as in her ears started merciless ringing and she felt dizzy. For a moment she thought that she was dreaming now. This couldn’t be really happening. Not right now. But god... she knew she wasn't dreaming and she knew she was on the verge of panic attack.

Thankfully Alex’s voice dragged her out of her sub-conscious state as she yelled at her sister form the distance. “Be careful Supergirl! If something beneath it impaled her she'll die of a blood loss!”

This forced Kara out of her dazed state. _Kara focus, Goddammit! There’s not time for panic now!_ She forced herself to keep doing what she was doing and lifted car off, throwing it aside. She heard Lena’s sharp inhale and rushed to her, not even noticing that she started crying until she forced herself to choke back sobs.

“Lee?! Lena?! Lena, stay with me!” She ordered, her eyes bloodshot as she cradled Lena’s face in her hands. God… Lena was so cold, “You know I broke off the wedding yesterday? I broke it off because of you Lena! You can’t leave me like that now!” Lena wasn’t saying anything, she was just staring blankly into her eyes. Her mesmerizingly green eyes focused on hers as she repeated Lena’s name in some kind of mantra. “Please… you have to hold on Lena.” She begged, Lena’s face twitched, as if woman was gathering her strength to say something. "I love you." Kara whispered and she could swear she heard change of Lena's heartbeat for a moment.

Lena’s eyes filled with tears that streamed down her cold temples and into Kara’s hands. Her heartbeat was weaker and weaker, and her breathing barely audible as Kara cried “Lena please!” She begged and Lena released long breath, Kara’s heart freezing in her chest as Lena’s lips moved.

"Your love leaves me cold” It was whisper so, so weak that if not Kara’s heightened senses she’d probably have missed it.

When she finally make out words Lena said cried almost hysterically. Lena’s eyes froze on the sky, her hear stopped and she couldn’t hear her breathing anymore. Her face was sickly pale, half of it covered in crimson blood and her lips were almost colorless, nearing pale blue.

“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry Lee.” She repeated over and over as she clutched her best friend body close to hers, burying her face into crook of Lena’s neck.

It was Alex who forced her away from Lena as she started checking her for vitals. When J’onn dragged her away from them she couldn’t hear anything anymore. Her panic attack was consuming her with full force as people rushing out of the vans surrounded Lena, complying to Alex’s orders.

Alex told her to wait. So she stood and waited. And waited, and waited until she felt sick.

 _Your love leaves me cold_  
_Your love leaves me cold_  
_Your love leaves me cold_  
_Your love leaves me cold_

  _Why it sounds so familiar? Why did you tell me this Lena?_ High-pitched ringing in her ears were so intense she thought they might as well start bleeding. She was shaking, her body temperature dropped quickly, all colors draining from her face. Suddenly everything started spinning so wildly that she didn’t even understood what was happening only to her until everything blacked out.

* * *

 

_“Oh, come on Lee, it’s just a hug!” Rookie reporter said as Lena rolled her eyes._

_Kara and Lena were standing in Kryptonian’s apartment debating about a hug. Lena declared that she never hugged anyone in a more than decade and Kara decided that it was her duty as a best friend to give her hugs for a life time. Kara moved to hug her, bringing her arms around Lena’s waist and pulling her into her embrace while Lena wrapped her arms around her shoulders._

_“Is this how you hug someone? Are my arms too high?” CEO asked, suddenly self-conscious and Kara smiled sadly at that, not pulling away._

_“You’re just perfect Lee.” She said with a beaming smile and tightened her grip as much as she could dare without breaking her best friend._

_“I’m sorry… but I’m far from being perfect.” Lena mumbled against her shoulder and Kara pulled away to look at Lena, her arms still circling CEO’s waist._

_“No. You’re not. You’re not broken Lena. You have never been. Those are just thoughts… beliefs. Give yourself more credit. Loving yourself doesn’t make you vain or selfish. It just makes you indestructible…. Accept yourself, accept your wholeness, because I do. And When I’m looking at you, all I see is purity.” Kara said earnestly and kissed Lena’s forehead softly before adding, “Just because your path is different from your family  it doesn’t mean you’re lost. And if you ever feel lost let me be your compass.” Kara pulled Lena into her arms, hugging her tightly “I’ll always be with you.”_

_“Promise?” Lena mumbled, her voice thick with tears as she buried her face in Kara’s neck._

_“I promise.”_

_Later on Kara noticed tattoo on Lena’s lower back when CEO fell asleep on her couch in the middle of the movie. She didn’t mean to pry but curiosity did best of her. She approached her best friend and slightly lifted up her t-shirt only to find word ‘Purity’ tattooed in a beautiful curled letters on her lower back. She remembered their talk nearly month ago and teared up. Leaning down she kissed Lena's temple gently before pulling a blanket over her._

* * *

 

  _Kara was on one of her missions following man who was targeted by some rogue alien. Fortunately for her it was still quiet for now and Lena was at DEO, consulting R &D team. She growled in frustration as her intercom buzzed, she was hungry and this guy was delaying her dinner. Her irritation quickly changing into excitement when she heard her best friend’s voice. _

_“I can practically see you dying there from boredom…” she said and silenced as Kara’s stomach growled, “What was that sound?” Lena asked and Kara huffed._

_“That sound is my soul dying, Lena.” Blonde sighed dramatically, smiling as she heard Lena’s laughter from the other end._

_“I’m sure Walter Dahmer appreciates your metaphysical sacrifice Supergirl.” Lena purred form the intercom and Kara blushed. Clearing her throat in futile attempt to poise herself, she x-rayed the building one more time._

_“Why this alien is even running after him anyway?” She asked_

_“He used to practice trepanation in a mental hospital before it got closed. Their main patients were aliens. Our buddy was one of his former patients and now seeks the vengeance.” Winn chimed in through the channels._

_“Brain surgery, medieval-style. Awesome.” Kara muttered and Lena laughed._

_"Can't blame him tho. Why are we even helping him? Bastard had it coming."  Mon-El chimed in "This is stupid! and it's just waste of our time Kara. Let the alien finish this guys and let's go home."_

_"We don't decide who's worth saving and who's not."  Blonde said irritated_

_"You're being foolish Kara." He said_

_“Shut up frat boy. You’re adorable Kara” Lena said and Kara’s breath hitched in her throat._

_“I, uhh, thank you, I guess?” Blonde stammered out while blushed furiously. There was faint 'oh come on!' from Mon-El's side and Lena cut him off their line without second thought. Winn snorted at that only to remove his stupid grin from his face when Lena glared at him._

_“When you’re done let’s go to my apartment, I’ll make you dinner.” Lena said, Kara could hear smile in her voice._

_“That’s sounds amazing.” She replied with wide grin on her face._

_“Yo, lovebirds, you’re not alone on a line.” Winn said, Kara assumed Lena might elbowed him as next words came muffled, “Ow! For what?”_

_"Lena, stop flirting with my baby sister” Alex muttered while Maggie yelled something like ‘get a room already’ through Alex’s intercom._

_“I’m not a child anymore Alex.” Kara replied casually from the other end. “Oh, here they are! I’m after them guys!” Kara yelled and flew towards the subject._

* * *

 

 Kara woke up with a start, shooting up from the sunbed as she looked around. Maybe it all was some kind of terrible dream? Maybe she just fell asleep with her head in Alex’s lap and it was all some kind of stupid nightmare? Though it wasn’t explaining why she was in DEO infirmary with her suit on.

She leaped up from the bed and rushed outside to the hallway. She sped towards the command room, Alex stopping dead in her tracks at the sight of her sister. She moved quickly towards Alex, avoiding ogling eyes around the room.

“Where’s Lena?” She asked immediately

“Kara I-”Alex started but couldn’t finish as Kara cut her off instantly

“Where’s Lena?!” She repeated herself, desperation coloring her voice

“She’s still on a surgery table.” Alex replied quietly and Kara inhaled shakily.

“What’s her condition?” Kryptonian forced out words, too afraid to hear the answer.

“Critical.” Alex answered after a while. “Mom is there, she’ll do everything in her powers to save Lena…” She said and took Kara’s hand, guiding her away from other into training room.

Once they were alone Kara collapsed in Alex’s arms. Dropping on her knees, she started crying, desperate whimpers and choked sobs rolling past her trembling lips.

“I can’t lose her Alex, I can’t lose her how, I didn’t even have a chance to talk to her, I can’t….” Kara cried out in her older sister’s arms while Alex rubbed her back, her own eyes filled with tears.

“J’onn summoned best surgeons of the country. You know Lena, Kar…. She’s most hard-headed person I’ve ever met. She will make through it.” Alex said as she stroked her sister’s hair while Kryptonian wept in her arms.

Kara wasn’t sure for how long she was there. Eventually Kara’s sobs subdued and they walked back to waiting area as they sat down right in front of surgery room.  Kryptonian didn’t said a word ever since, she was sitting motionless and staring at the door. Her mind wandered back to Lena, to those last moments Kara saw her conscious at some point.

Your love leaves me cold, she said. Why was it so familiar yet so hard to remember at same time? What it meant? It bugged Kara since the moment Lena said those words, driving her insane in slow, torturous manner. What if Lena couldn’t make it? What if she’d pass away on a cold surgery table surrounded by strangers? Thinking Kara never loved her back? That she never cared for her? That she hated her?

No, Kara could never hate Lena. How one could hate person like Lena Luthor anyways? The woman was personification of what Greeks called goddesses. Her brilliant chameleon eyes, confusing Kara all the time as it changed shades, going from green to blue and to grey. From heart melting warmth one moment, changing into soul freezing cold the next. Her smile that would melt iceberg in instant. Jawline that could cut a glass and soft alabaster skin, giving her appearance final hint of her divinity.

She had a sense of humor that could light up a room, though sometimes it was too dark for Kara to find it amusing. An attitude that could burn out the oxygen in the air. Her soul deep as her mind that was swimming in the depths most would drown in.

This was Lena Luthor. _Her_ Lena Luthor. Who was lying on the surgery table and Kara didn’t knew if she’d see her alive again. See her beautiful smile and hypnotizing eyes. Hear sweet sound of her laughter, feel her arms around her shoulders again. Feel her lips on hers again.

And last thing Lena told her was “Your love leaves me cold…” she muttered it out, staring at the door of the surgery chamber with blank expression, her eyes red rimmed and swollen from crying.

Your love leaves me cold…. Your love leaves me cold….. Your love leaves me cold….

Kara shut her eyes tightly, trying to remember. What it was… only if she could remember what it was… and then it hit her.

 The day Kara saved her at Lex’s secret warehouse in the hills. That night Kara was only person who never once doubted Lena while everyone was screaming about her being guilty. She flew into warehouse knowing well she might die from a synthetic kryptonite blast but she came for Lena anyways. She never doubted Lena, not even once. And a few minutes later when they were sitting in the backseat of DEO’s black SUV, Kara’s arm draped over Lena while CEO’s head rested on Kryptonian’s shoulder there was song playing on the radio. That was it… it was that song….

In that night Kara told Lena that she loved her for the first time, not really realizing how much she meant that in that moment. And Lena remembered. She never responded to her that night, only to tell her that she loved her back right before her death. ( _No_ , she’s not dead. She. Is. _Not_. Dead.) She wanted to tell Kara what she felt that night when Kara saved her from explosion, risking her own life. She wanted to tell Kara since when she started falling for her and now Kara cried. She cried silently, tears staining her face as dull ache started to form deep in her skull.

She was sitting there like this for twelve hours straight. She didn’t say a word. Didn’t move. She just had Alex’s phone clutched in her palm, earphones plugged in her ears as she listened one song for twelve hours without stop.

She came to her senses only when Eliza walked out of the room, her eyes finding Kara’s immediately as blonde leaped up from her seat, ripping the headphones off and approaching her foster mom. She didn’t say a word as she stared into Eliza’s eyes pleadingly, her chest tight with panic. Alex, Maggie and Winn were at her side instantly, J’onn nodding to himself as he already knew Lena’s state.

“Lena’s alive but she’s in comatose.” Eliza said and Kara felt tears of relief streaming down her face as she let out long breath she held for 14 hours. “She’s bad however. Her condition is still critical. Her heart stopped three times during the surgery. We stopped internal bleeding and fixed her ribcage but it all depends on her now if she wakes up or not.” She said finally. “The blood transfusion was enough to compensate the loss, but I’ll be honest and say that I don’t know if that’s enough.”

“What about her spinal bone?” Alex didn’t asked straightly if Lena would turn into cripple if she’d wake up. “Is it bad?”

“Yes, but fortunately nothing that might cause permanent or irreversible damage. But she’ll need rehabilitation for a while if–” Eliza cut herself short, “When.” She corrected herself, “When she wakes up.”

“Can I see her?” Kara asked, staring at her mother with bloodshot blues.

“Of course darling… I’m sure she needs you most right now.” Eliza answered and sighed as Kara moved to hug her, muttering _‘thank you’s_ into her shoulder.

Kara detached herself from Eliza and entered the chamber where Lena was lying. She was pale… paler than usual. Her lips were colorless and she had dark circles around her eyes. Only thing reminding Kara that she was still looking at alive person was a weak, yet steady heartbeat. Lena was in horrible state… breathing tube stuck out of her mouth, her bottom lip was split, she had cut on her forehead and nasty bruise formed around it. Few small cuts were scattered across Lena’s face. Her arms were bruised as well. She was lying there, only visible movement was weak rise and fall of her chest as she breathed.

Lena never looked so powerful yet so intimidatingly fragile.

She approached the bed where unconscious brunette lied. Kara put her hand over hers, carefully twining their fingers together. Leaning down she pressed her lips to Lena’s forehead in a barely there kiss, too afraid that she might break fragile woman under her.

“Come back to me Lena.” She whispered as fresh tears spilled from her eyes, “If you come back I’ll never let you go, I promise.”

* * *

 

 Four days passed and Alex forcefully dragged Kara out of the Lena’s chamber. After all even Kryptonians needed food and shower, and sleeping on the chair with her head dropped on the bed while holding Lena’s hand wasn’t really counting as a sleep.

Kara was free from her Supergirl duties as long as she needed. She wasn’t speaking to anyone and J’onn assured her that he’s cover for her on the missions, while James said she could take her time off from CatCo as long as she needed.

For the first time in four days Kara looked at her phone. It was filled with messages, voicemails and missed calls from Jess. Fuck… how she could forget about Jess. Stepping out of the shower she got dressed, making herself presentable and headed towards L-Corp.

Jess knew about Kara. And knew about DEO. At first Alex was very unnerved by fact but young secretary proved herself trustworthy not once and she gained trust of J’onn and Alex rather quickly. She signed NDA papers along with her boss and since then air between Jess and Kara changed. Kara trusted Jess more and wasn’t hiding when she stepped into Lena’s office while Kara wore her suit and Lena called her by her name.

As soon as she stepped out of the elevator Jess emerged beside her. Kara took in the sight of distressed young girl, staring at Kara with sorrowful yet hopeful eyes.

“Jess, Lena… uh–” She started but Secretary cut her off

“I know… when I came into NCPD to report that Ms. Luthor went missing, Detective Sawyer informed me about the accident. I had to take over L-Corp in her absence…. I looked for her in every hospital of National City. I guess she's in DEO? I want to see her, if that possible… please?” She looked at Kara like a kicked puppy.

“Okay, I’ll take you to her…” Kara said and Jess let out sigh of relief.

“Thank you.” She said quietly and stepped closer, “Is it too bad?” She asked then

“She’s still in coma, doctors don’t know if she wakes up.” Kara said and Jess’s eyes moistened at that immediately.

“In that case…” Jess muttered as she wandered into Lena’s office that seemed eerily empty without her inside. Kara noticed few changes in the office. Lamp was new, chessboard was missing from the coffee table. Jess stopped in front of the safe and quickly typed code as the safe opened with click. Pulling out white envelope Jess closed the safe shut and walked towards Kara, handing her white paper.

“What is this?” Kara asked as her brows furrowed, studying the envelope carefully, recognizing Lena’s neat handwriting on the back of it immediately. _For Kara Danvers_  it read.

“Ms. Luthor asked me to give you this in case if something happened to her. I think the time wouldn’t be any more appropriate than this to give it to you.” Jess said and Kara nodded,

“Thank you Jess…” She mumbled as they walked out of Lena’s office.

“Don’t mention it.” She said as they stepped into elevator together, heading to DEO.

* * *

_Dear Kara_

_If you’re reading this I’m probably already dead. Or worse, I’ve gone mad just like my dear brother. I don’ know what happened but either way, if you’re reading this it means I didn’t make it to the finish line. Please don’t be upset after you read this. I want to speak my mind for once, even if it’ll be last time I’ll do this. Please don’t tear it apart and read it to the end. It’s all I dare to ask you._

_I can’t really convey in words what I feel for you. Closest thing what human might call it would be love, but when I’m thinking about it I don’t think that, this one simple world can contain what I feel for you. I love you more than a friend should love a friend. Please don’t hate me for this._

_Remember when I stayed over at you for the first time? It was summer night and we were lying on your bed. I was leaning against the headboard while your head lied on my lap. You was watching the movie while I was staring at you and caressing your hair. You smiled and told me how relaxed you felt when I did that. I loved being the cause of your smile. It made me feel all tingly, like two fingers were poking my cheeks, not allowing me to stop smiling like a fool._

_I woke up in the middle of the night for no reason, shuffling under the blankets until I felt heat of your body next to mine. I turned around to find you, person who could crush the mountains under her fingertips asleep, in your most peaceful, innocent and vulnerable state. You were breathing as if weight of the world lay on your shoulders and then I realized that it really did. I smiled and kissed your face in the gentlest manner to not wake you up. Then I turned around, wide grin formed on my face as you wrapped your arm around my waist and pulled me into you. From there on I knew that I couldn't fall for you any harder._ _I felt genuinely happy for the first time in a long time that day. I’ll never forget that._

 _I was thinking a lot lately. I tried so hard to suppress my feelings for you but I'm sure no sane human cannot know you and not love you._   _I didn’t knew what love or happiness for that matter truly meant until I met you._

_I don’t remember loving anyone but you Kara Zor-El. I wish I could gather enough courage to tell you this myself while I still had a chance. Forgive my cowardly Kara but I was too afraid of losing you. My heart is too wounded to bear your loss as well._

_You believed in me when others were questioning me. You saw me for who I was while others saw another insane Luthor. You loved and trusted me while other hated and doubted._

_I don’t think I’ll ever be able to explain how grateful I am for having you in my life. No matter for how short. I’m not with you anymore and before last piece of my alive self disappears into nothingness I want to tell you that your life was best part of mine._

_I know how beautiful person you are Kara. I know what you have endured and what you have lost. I’m not sure if my death could be considered as loss at all. But knowing you all I can ask is to not cry. Don’t cry for me and please don’t hate me. Know I never meant to hurt you intentionally and if I even did please remember me like this. Remember me as a person who loved you. Forgive me if I’m upsetting or hurting you telling you all of this. But this is just the way you make me feel._

_You once told me that Rome was built on the ruins and it's quite breathtaking. You asked me what made me think that I can't be too. Now I'm telling you same. If my demise ever makes you feel sad remember of Rome. Though I personally think that you're way more breathtaking that Rome can ever be. Call it conflict of interests or whatever you wish but beauty of whole world pales next to you Kara Danvers._

_Who we are after all of this? I was asking myself that question since the night you saved me in Lex's warehouse. We're all just a car crash, diagnosis, an unexpected phone call, a new found love or a broken heart away from becoming a completely different person. I can't tell what might have changed me but you can. Not only for me but for yourself as well. How beautifully fragile are we that so many things can take but but a moment to alter who we are for forever?_

_Sometimes, we're nothing but a collateral damage in someone else's war against themselves. Looking back at our history I'm sure you'll understand what I'm talking about._

_You were born of the stars Kara. Stop settling for the dust they leave behind._

_With all love that my heart can produce_

_Forever yours, Lena._

* * *

 

 Kara was sitting at Lena’s bed and crying while reading the letter. Whole three weeks went and Lena was still in coma. Kara wasn’t giving up on her however. While nobody else noticed she saw color slowly returning to Lena’s face. Scratches and bruises slowly fading and her heartbeat becoming steadier and reassuring. It was only thing that kept Kara sane while Lena was still out. Sometimes she'd shot up from the chair, thinking that Lena have died and all of this was some kind of torturous dream.

 All of the superfriends kept visiting CEO. Jess was coming when she could, having absolutely not time struggling to keep L-Corp under the reins, while the company waited for its boss to come back and take over again. Even Lillian managed to sneak into DEO dropping Hank Henshaw’s head to the feet of J’onn as she wordlessly marched into the chamber where her daughter lied and no one dared to say a word to her. She killed her right hand man because it was his fault that Lena lied barely alive on the hospital bed in Government’s secret facility. Kara knew deep down this woman cared for her daughter and capturing her while she was visiting Lena wouldn't be just right.

 Time was flying as Kara settled in routine. Leaving Lena’s side only when extreme emergencies would came up or nurses had to wash Lena's body. She was talking to her every day, paying music on her phone for her to listen. Under the Tongue by Damien Rice included. She tenderly kissed her forehead when breathing tube was finally removed from her throat. She kissed her every knuckle when Eliza removed the cast, holding her ribcage together. She kept telling about her day, telling about their first date Kara had planned for them. Telling about the dog she wanted to adopt with her. She kept holding on her while everyone else gave up.

 In one particular night, right two months from the dreadful night of the accident while Kara was sitting on the chair next to Lena and reading book, something had disturbed her. Something was off. At first she couldn't put a finger on what exactly was off but then it hit her. Change in heartbeat of certain raven-haired beauty that lied unconscious for two months. When she registered erratic beating of heart near to hers, she shot up from the bed, immediately hovering over CEO who slowly opened her eyes. Her gaze scanning the room until it settled on Kara.

“Hey…” Kara said as she smiled, not bothering to wipe away her tears.

“Hay back…” answered Lena with a small smile. Her voice was hoarse and barely audible but it was enough for Kryptonian. Even in this state, brunette was more poised than Kara could ever be.

“Your love left me cold too.” Tumbled past Kara’s lips before she could stop herself. She needed to tell Lena, and need her to understand that what she said to her in the night of the accident wasn't said only because Lena was dying. But of course Lena would understand. She always understood.

“I’m sorry.” Said CEO with a sad smile and only then Kara let herself breathe freely.

“Never apologize for loving me. Because I personally, never will.”

Kara leaned down at that, capturing Lena’s lips in softest kiss as tears spilled past both of their fluttered shut eyelids.

Your love leaves me cold… but does it really? Because right now, neither of them felt sharp coldness of a heartbreak. They felt warmth of each other’s love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was little torn when part of you asked for angst and other part for happy ending, so... I why not both? Please leave me comments and let me know what you think. Thank you again for your time and all your kind reviews. Slán mo chairde daor!


	3. But to love and be loved, that’s everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Epilogue ******

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so here's final chapter I wasn't even planning to write but then again, I never do something as I plan. Sounds like me eh? ANYWAYS, thank you everyone for your kind comments and encouragement, I appreciate every and each one of them!
> 
> I wrote it at like 4am and it's not edited. So, pardon me my mistakes.

**L.Luthor.vid-file1**

Lena was sitting in the wheelchair, her hair down, IV attached to her forearm. She looked straight at the camera and then down at the screen where her face just appeared. She was in her office at her apartment, wearing white DEO t-shirt, soft gray blanket draped over her knees. Her face was pale and covered in still unhealed scratches, her soft lips colorless and she had dark circles under her eyes.

“It’s all set, I guess…” She mumbled before clearing her throat, “My therapist from DEO said that having dairy would help me go through PTSD. And it’d be easier for her to understand my problem thoroughly if I’d start recording my condition every day and talk my heart out. She understands that I can’t open up to her and this might help me a little. So here I am.” She said and sighed, “This is Lena Luthor, welcome to my first tape.”

Brunette ran her hands through her hair, looking out of the window briefly before fixing her gaze back at camera. “For the record, my brain is doing some weird things because of the amount of oxycodone in my system so don’t mind me… I guess I’ll start from the beginning….”

***

“…so there’s that.” Lena said and pinched bridge of her nose. “I never left my office with intention to kill myself or anything like that. However I can’t say I’d care much if I would die to be honest. I just wanted to get away from everyone I knew, I thought going MIA wouldn’t be that bad if that meant it’d take my mind off Kara…..” she sighed and then looked away from the camera.

“I know what I did was stupid and irresponsible. I put in danger not only myself but others as well and… I don’t know if anyone can be disappointed in me more than I am. Not even my mother.” Last part wasn’t said bitterly, but out of pure sadness.

“Speaking of devil…” Lena chuckled mirthlessly, “Kara told me that my mother came to see me when I was out…. I’d think she just came to cut off my hand to access one of Lex’s labs but… my hands are here, and she killed Hank Henshaw. The man that stood on the road that night. Same man that tarnished L-Corp’s lobby and threw at me huge chunk of my own company’s logo.”

“I don’t know what to feel or what to think…. I have trusted people and it brought nothing good to me. I know I can’t trust my mother but at least now I know that maybe she really does care about me after all… ugh, I don’t know. It’s enough for today.”

 

**L.Luthor.vid-file8**

Lena was still sitting in her wheelchair, not looking any better than before. She wore Kara’s back Jersey shirt, same gray blanket draped over her knees.

“I know I’ve been doing it for past week now but it’s still weird to talk to camera.” She said and chuckled. “Eliza removed Oxycodone from my menu. It doesn’t work for me anymore and if I take more there’s risk of overdosing and it’ll be ugly… so from now on I’m on Morphine again!”

“I know how drugs work… I have two doctor degrees with bio-engineering, science and chemistry after all but knowing and feeling is completely different things and it’s getting weird sometimes…. I’m mildly euphoric and I vomit a lot… my face itches sometimes, especially nose. Sometimes everything starts spinning and I’m like lazy cat, high on the Valerian root extract.” Lena huffed at herself.

“We’re good… Me and Kara I mean…” Lena smiled slightly, “She never once left my side from the day of the accident and she’s here with me in her every spare minute.” She paused and her smile disappeared, “I tried to distance myself from her as soon I sobered up from Morphine. I was feeling devastated and humiliated. I didn’t want Kara to be with me out of guilt and I left DEO. Well… not left, because I can’t walk or move properly for that matter but, I called Jess and she moved me into my apartment with help of few doctors.”

“She arranged my apartment for my condition and that’s how I ended up in my little private hospital.” She said and yawned, “This is all because of Morphine… it makes me sleepy.” She explained and stretched her arms, wincing at sudden pain in her limbs.

“Kara didn’t let me to push her away and that’s probably one of those things I love about her so much…. She’s attentive and careful and everything one could wish for a girlfriend but sometimes it pisses me off.” She looked out of the window again, this time not looking away from the view behind it, “She’s acting around me as I’m made of glass. She spends all of her time with me and I feel like I’m ruining her life…. I’m distracting her from her work, her duties and from _her_ life in general. From everything except me, really and I hate how selfless she is as much as I love it about her.” She rested her arms on the desk before her, “I forget everything when I’m with her, she makes me so happy and so sad at the same time… it takes all of my willpower to not cry when she kisses me, or smiles at me, or holds me in her sleep… I can go on and on and I won’t even finish until I reach the limit of the computer memory.” She rubbed her forehead, scrunching up her nose.

“I did nothing to deserve her…” She said and her eyes casted upwards in attempt to blink away tears. “But I love her and she’s only reason that keeps me going right now… I know I’m selfish, I just… if I let her go then I’ll have nothing to hold onto and I don’t think I can take responsibilities of my actions when that happens, and I know that it _will_ happen…” She buried her face in her hands

“I’m like a parasite… leech that is sucking the life out of Kara. I hate feeling like this so much. If only Alex knew that I take Morphine not only for pain she’d kill me.” Lena chuckled bitterly “But in my defense, the pain is driving me up on the ceiling.”

Lena laughed then and shook her head. She brought her hands up, rubbing her face.

“Excuses, excuses. If my mother could see me now…” she trailed off, looking around the room.

She grimaced, new wave of pain hitting her unexpectedly. Lena sets her jaw and moves her wheelchair away, taking a box from her desk drawer.

“Morphine effect is fading completely now… so I guess it’s time for next shot.” She smiled grimly and turned off camera.

 

**L.Luthor.vid-file43**

The room was dark. Only light was coming from two lamps from either side of desk, lights of the city shining through the large bulletproof windows of Lena’s office. Lena herself was still in her wheelchair. She wore dark blue jeans and gray Henley shirt, sleeves hiked up to her elbows, her hair up in neat ponytail, black rimmed glasses sitting on the bridge of her nose. There was watch on her wrist and IV connected to her arm. She looked little better than before.

“Believe it or not, somehow Kara and Dorothy (“my therapist” she mouthed) plunged into me that Kara wasn’t with me out of guilt.” She said, sipping orange juice from the glass. “Ugh, I miss drinking alcohol…” She said and took another sip before continuing, “Sometimes I’m still hesitating but then I remember Kara, and I know that I can trust her.”

“We were arguing a lot lately. Mostly because I returned to work and Kara’s just being overprotective puppy she is. I still can’t walk however and I arrive early and leave late to avoid meeting people as much as possible. My driver is taking me to work and back home but Kara’s still following us from the air. And this is whole new topic for arguments as well because I feel awfully worthless when I can’t reach the cupboard, or when I’m getting dressed, or when I’m using bathroom. I know that Kara can’t be with me all the time and I don’t want to make her feel guilty because I can’t reach my shirt on the top drawer.” Lena sighed deeply at that.

“I need to work or sitting here will drive me insane. I need to do something to occupy my mind so I won’t feel like a parasite all the times. I need to work on my projects, do tiresome paperwork, attend meetings and piss off white rich misogynists that call themselves those men.” Lena chuckled at last part. “I know my absence caused mayhem in the company. Media is still interested in my sudden disappearance and L-Corp’s main entrance is still barricaded by reporters and paparazzi. But I still need to take care of my company much to Kara’s dismay. I won’t give my brother the pleasure of simple thought of me being dead.”

 

**L.Luthor.vid-file44**

“Kara is so beautiful...” Lena stated dreamily, her eyes half closed “And she’s so hot when she’s angry.” CEO giggled at last statement. “We were at park today… but we had to leave because some guy started snapping pictures of us and I don’t even know what to expect from it. Imagine the headlines: “ _Crippled Lena Luthor with CatCo reporter chilling in park!_ What a fucking sensation!” Lena laughed bitterly.

“Kara is my lifeline… I don’t know what talks in me now but she’s everything I ever needed and turns out also everything I didn’t knew I needed.” Her expression grew serious, “God… I love her so much…. When I’m with her I feel like everything will be alright, I fell calm and…  _happy_. I’ve never felt this at peace like when I’m with her.”

Door of Lena’s home office opened and Kara walked in.

“I knew I’d find you here.” Blonde said, smiling at CEO as she sauntered towards her, kissing her lips softly in a greeting.

“Oh, we just were talking about you actually!” Lena said with wide grin and Kara shot her questioning look.

“We?” She asked, looking around. Probably wondering if Lena was hallucinating or something.

“I was saying to camera how amazing you are.” She mumbled and flashing Kryptonian a blinding smile.

“Oh Rao, you’re high…” Kara chuckled and moved to pull away Lena from desk. “Come on baby, you already said that you wouldn’t record while you’re on meds.”

“Really?” Lena asked, tilting her head slightly, slow smiled spreading on her face.

Kara stared at her for a moment, before turning her towards her and surging forward, capturing her lips in sweet kiss.

“My my Ms. Danvers, are you taking advantage of me?” Lena teased and Kara mocked offence.

“I’m taking my girlfriend to bed now.” She stated and reached over to Lena’s computer, cutting off record.

 

**L.Luthor.vid-file46**

“Dorothy suggested that I should take Kara with me on therapies so we can fix our problems together.”

 

**L.Luthor.vid-file57**

“Therapies with Kara are working. We’re doing well so far. I’m so glad I agreed on that.”

 

**L.Luthor.vid-file64**

"I started to re-learn playing on piano. Seems I won't be getting out of the chair anytime soon."

 

**L.Luthor.vid-file102**

"Uh, turns out it didn’t took me as much as time I thought it would.” Lena said and stood up from her chair, smiling “I started walking..."

 

**L.Luthor.vid-file123**

“I asked Kara to move in with me. She agreed!” Lena said with wide smile, “She’s moving in next week.”

 

**L.Luthor.vid-file157**

“I’m going to murder Mon-El if he won’t stop harassing Kara all the time.” Lena said rolling her eyes “I mean, what an imbecile can’t take a hint to fuck off such as being left at altar?”

 

**L.Luthor.vid-file167**

“Daxamites invaded National City. God I knew they were awful since the day Kara introduced Mon-El to me but I also didn't know how stupid I can be sometimes.”

 

**L.Luthor.vid-file171**

“I can’t believe this… Daxamite invasion is finally over. Can’t say I regret sending Rhea’s son away from here to be honest. For past few days I almost lost Kara, I was tricked into building space portal, was betrayed by my mentor, forced to almost marry Mon-El, had to build the device that would get rid of Daxamites, then forced Mon-El out of this planet with his congeners and encountered my mother who helped Supergirl so save my ass… again.” Lena said and sighed, throwing back remains in of scotch in her tumbler and looked at camera, “To say past few days were eventful would be an understatement.”

 

**L.Luthor.vid-file191**

“We’re over with our therapies. Dorothy said that we don’t need them anymore and Kara and I both agreed with her on that. We have a new life together and I couldn’t have asked for more. L-Corp is doing great, Kara loves me, her family accepted me long before we got together and I’m really happy at last.”

 

**L.Luthor.vid-file201**

“Kara brought me puppy today!” Lena said as she waved little ball of golden fur in front of camera “It’s golden retriever. They so look alike. Kara and puppy I mean. I was really tempted to name him after Kara but Alex wouldn’t let me even though I know she wanted to do same.” Lena said while chuckling “So... this gorgeous boy is Bailey!”

 

**L.Luthor.vid-file221**

“Kara asked my hand…” Lena said with a smile, her eyes glassy from crying

* * *

 

 To say that Daxamites only brought distress to Earth would be a blatant lie. Maybe they did the damage, okay a  _big_  damage... but one thing they had left behind gave birth to happiness with a heartbeat. From a year after invasion Lena and Kara got married. Kara took Lena's name, giving her a reason to love and be proud of Luthor name after all this years. Lena finally had a family. She had Kara, Alex, Maggie, Eliza, J'onn. She had a new family. The family that accepted her and loved her beyond borders. 

Not long after they decided to try Daxamite breeding pod and it was best decision they have ever made. Lena got pregnant and soon the couple welcomed their daughter into world. Half human and half Kryptonian that was exact copy of baby Lena with bright blue eyes of Kara. Lorraine Lena Luthor.

 

* * *

 

**L.Luthor.vid-file408**

"I know I haven't recorded anything for a year now but looking back at all those videos I felt obligated to film one more before locking this folder forever." Lena said as she straightened in her seat. "I don't know from where to start. If someone would have told me that I'd be happily married to my best friend and would have daughter with her four years ago, I'd laugh to tears.... I really don't have much to say. Only thing that came to my mind is those words I have read somewhere on my junior year at MIT." She took deep breath and sighed,

"It read,  _To love is nothing. To be loved is something. But to love and be loved, that’s everything...."_ Lena said and bit her lip, "I guess… I do have everything and even more after all." 

Lena stopped talking and listened to the sounds coming from the outside of her home office. She heard Kara's voice faintly, saying "No, Lori" and then her child's voice shooting back with "Yass Lori!"

The door of her office burst open and air filled with sound of little girl's footsteps, padding towards her mother with loud series of shouting "Mommy!". Lena smiled widely at her daughter, spinning in her chair and hoisting little girl into her lap. 

"What is it darling?" Lena asked when her toddler settled on her lap.

"Lori missed mommy!" little girl said and threw her small arms around Lena's neck, hugging her tightly. Lena wrapped her arms around her daughter and chuckled, shaking her head.

"You missed me huh? Why is that?" She asked arching eyebrow over her daughter's shoulder. Then Kara walked in and smiled at the sight. "You didn't gave her cookies I presume?" Lena asked and Kara huffed.

"I know that she's half Kryptonian but she's also half human and she'll get sick of amount of cookies she's consuming per day!" Superhero stated and Lena laughed.

"Look who's saying that." Lena said and smiled at little groning sound that Kara made upon hearing this. Lena smiled when Lori pouted but looked away. She leaned over the desk, retrieving stuffed tiger that Lori named Hugo and handed it to her, successfully satisfying her pouting toddler. For now.

"Did we ruined your tape?" Kara asked and Lena shook her head.

"You're perfect bonus actually," Lena said, smiling up her approaching figure of her wife. 

Kara leaned down and planted lingering kiss on Lena's lips, Lori far too invested in talking to Hugo to mind her parents. Pulling away Kara smiled at dazed look on Lena's face and sat on the table in front of her wife. Lori was still in Lena's lap.

"Have I told you how much I love you?" Lena asked and Kara hummed, beaming at her wife.

"Reminder is always welcome." Kara smiled and pecked Lena's lips again before mumbling "I love you too. Both of you. So, so much." 

"Mam? cookies...?" Little brunette pouted and both her parents chuckled. 

"It's time to feed the beast." Kara said and hopped down from the desk. "I'll take Lori, you can finish with your diary and then join us?" Kara said and pulled Lori into her arms. 

"No need. It's all done here." Lena said and smiled before turning towards her computer and stopping recording.

**_The End_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if there are mistakes, I haven't time to proofread. I'll edit it soon however, until then thank you for reading and please share your thoughts!  
> Love you all!

**Author's Note:**

> Who knows my works must know I never write what I'm aiming for. It always turns out something else. It should have been angst with happy ending and turned out major character death.... oops...  
> I'm sorry??? Don't hate me?  
> Please let me know what you think in the comments. Feedback is forcing my mind to work again. Thank you for your time! Love ya all!!


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